I have no idea who first composed this, but I've been seeing various versions of it floating around Usenet for years now. It's one of those things that I'm glad doesn't get posted much any more, because it was a lot funnier the first time than the second (or thousandth), but when I first came across it I thought it was one of the most hilarious things I'd ever seen. (I'm easily amused.)
If you've never seen this before, I hope you enjoy it. And if you wrote it, please drop me a line.
Dear: [ ] Sir [ ] Spammer [ ] Twit [ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Madam [ ] Comrade [ ] Management Baboon [ ] Idjit [ ] Kook [ ] <AHEM!> [ ] Marketroid [ ] Obergruppenfuehrer [ ] B1FF [ ] 3L33T D00D!!! [ ] email@example.com [ ] Other:________________ I took exception to your recent post to __(newsgroup)___ It was (check all that apply): [ ] lame. [ ] stupid. [ ] pointless. [ ] tasteless. [ ] much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capable. [ ] an obvious troll. Your attention is drawn to the fact that (check all that apply): [ ] you made a ridiculously off topic post to a newsgroup. [ ] you made a ridiculously off topic post to numerous newsgroups. [ ] you obviously don't know how to read your newsgroups line. [ ] you started a long, stupid thread. [ ] you continued spreading a long, stupid thread. [ ] you crossposted a long, stupid thread. [ ] you are the subject of a long, stupid thread. [ ] what you said has been said before. [ ] and it was said better the last time. [ ] your post was a pathetic imitation of ___(net.personality)__. [ ] your post originated on FidoNet. [ ] your post originated on aol.com. [ ] your post originated on ix.netcom.com. [ ] your post originated on a FirstClass BBS. [ ] your post referred to the newsgroup as a Board, BBoard, BBS, Domain, or Notesfile. [ ] you quoted someone's whole article. [ ] and added absolutely nothing. [ ] except your .sig file. [ ] and added meaningless gibberish. [ ] specifically, your .sig file. [ ] you posted a "Check out my Web Page" article. [ ] off-topic. [ ] and your web page sucks. [ ] you posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group. [ ] again. [ ] and it was boring. [ ] the first time. [ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article. [ ] you predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net (tm)". [ ] from delphi.com. [ ] from AOL.com. [ ] from FIDOnet. [ ] you advocated Net censorship. [ ] you made one or more bigoted statements. [ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority. [ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve. [ ] you are clearly up way past your bedtime. [ ] you seem to be under compulsion to post to every thread. [ ] your post contained the terms (check all that apply): [ ] "surf the net" [ ] "surf the web" [ ] "hacker" [ ] "warez" [ ] "cyber___(insert suffix here)___" [ ] "Information Superhighway [ ] "\C\a\b\a\l" [ ] your post contained commercial advertising. [ ] for an obvious scam. [ ] that's been posted so many times it has its own cancelbot. [ ] your post contained numerous errors in (check all that apply): [ ] spelling. [ ] grammar. [ ] fact. [ ] logic. [ ] YOUR POST CONTAINED EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZATION AND/OR PUNCTUATION!!!!! [ ] you posted a newgroup message without Leader Kibo's permission. [ ] you posted an rmgroup message without Bruce Becker's permission. [ ] you posted a test message to a non-test group. [ ] your post/letter was a forgery. [ ] a clumsy one. [ ] you used the phrase "Information Superhighway". [ ] to make a lame hiqhway-related analogy: [ ] roadkill [ ] pothole [ ] other: ____________ [ ] you asked for replies via email because you "don't read this group". [ ] you flamed someone who: [ ] has been around far longer than you. [ ] is far more intelligent and witty than you. [ ] and considering who you flamed, that's sad. [ ] your post contained HTML tags. [ ] which are not parseable under any known implementation of HTML. [ ] your lines are 80 columns wide or wider. [ ] and your editor: [ ] wrapped them, making them difficult to read. [ ] truncated them, making them impossible to read. [ ] your .sig is ridiculous because (check all that apply): [ ] it's longer than four lines. [ ] and your server truncated it. [ ] it was inserted in a posting you made "anonymously" through penet.fi. [ ] you included a stupid disclaimer. [ ] which made an attempt at being witty. [ ] and it failed. [ ] miserably. [ ] you stated you do not speak for your employer. [ ] and included the company logo. [ ] you included (check all that apply): [ ] a stupid self-quote. [ ] a stupid quote from a net.nobody. [ ] a Rush Limbaugh quote. [ ] an Adolf Hitler quote. [ ] a Dan Quayle joke. [ ] a reference to Beavis & Butthead. [ ] one or more lame ASCII graphics (check all that apply): [ ] USS Enterprise [ ] Australia [ ] AT&T logo [ ] bicycle [ ] Bart Simpson [ ] other:____________ Furthermore: [ ] you have greatly misunderstood the purpose of ___(newsgroup)__ [ ] you have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net. [ ] you are a loser. [ ] *plonk* [ ] you must have spent your life in a Skinner box to be this clueless. [ ] this has been pointed out to you before. [ ] twice. [ ] more than twice. [ ] you appear to be an idiot. [ ] you appear to be a raving lunatic. It is recommended that you: [ ] stick to FidoNet and come back when you've grown up. [ ] stop reading __(newsgroup)__ and get a life. [ ] learn to type. [ ] consume excrement. [ ] consume excrement and thus expire. Additional comments: